dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
