I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
