You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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