now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
