It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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