so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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