so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
