im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
