Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
