You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My ass is underappreciated
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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