She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
