I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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