Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
