she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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