i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
