If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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