When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
