I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
