I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
