i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
