Umm I'm too high to move.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
