it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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