Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
