He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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