Princesses don't give blow jobs
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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