i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
