I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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