So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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