My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
