Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
