Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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