I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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