how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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