please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
