now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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