she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
