my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
