U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
