Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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