he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize