im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
