hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
