This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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