Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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