Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
