I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
