I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
