is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
