I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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