just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
